


Chess game, difficulty - Valar level

by Cirilla9



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Canon Compliant, Chess, Crack, F/M, Games, Humor, M/M, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2018-11-22 08:50:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11376768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirilla9/pseuds/Cirilla9
Summary: Valar play a chess game which has consequences in the real lives of the folk below them.





	1. Round I

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Шахматная партия. Уровень сложности: Валар](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12822144) by [nealex93_17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nealex93_17/pseuds/nealex93_17)



\- I think Melko’s bored out there in the Void, we should brighten his mood somehow - announces Manwë one day.

His decision nearly causes a strife amongst the Powers of the Arda.

\- A chess game?

\- But how do we split?

\- I cannot be in his team, he’s evil!

\- That’s okay, - Melkor waives them all, - am I not the mightiest among you? I shall play alone and still win this. Watch the master, see how it’s done, children.

Before the game starts, Varda takes Aulë at side and they consult something in hushed voices. Then, Queen of the Stars places five additional figures on the board. At that time five Istari sails to Middle-Earth.

\- Varda, what are you- - starts Melkor, watching this stupefied.

\- You’ve got Sauron, - explains Varda, unfazed. – We should have our Maiar out there too.

\- But five of them?! – protests Melkor. - Sauron is only one. That’s not fair!

\- Fine! We’ll reduce their powers.

\- Deal.

The game begin rather peacefully after that. Manwë moves Olorin toward Shire which stirs a few random pawns that got incidentally in a way. The great game starts and the life of a one small insignificant hobbit who was unlucky is to be changed for eternity since this moment.

***

\- Who is this guy? – asks Melkor as they all watch Tom Bombadil puts the Ring on and nothing happens, - what a fun-spoiler. Manwë, isn’t it you in disguise? – he looks around suspiciously to check if everyone’s present.

\- I’m right here, - says Manwë, - I have no idea what’s going on either.

***

 - Hahaha see how it's done - laughs Melkor evilly, moving nine horse figures upon the board strategically. Your little halfling will die even before he reaches one of your safe places. Haha, your petty three rings you robbed from my Sauron won’t have a chance to be useful, all for naught, hahaha. Watch this, Aulë.

Aulë looks rather stricken, last scrapes of hope dying on his face and he hides his face in his hands and pulls at his hair as it becomes clear Ringwraiths will catch up on Frodo before he reaches Rivendell.

But then Mandos makes a move for the first time and a blond figure appears among the Nazgûls. Glorfindel fights them, whirling around and ferrying lethal cuts.

\- Hey, didn’t that blondie fell in Gondolin? – Melkor frowns. – I remember Gothmog saying something…

\- He got resurrected, - says the Ruler of the Dead in a grave tone.

Melkor shots him a dirty look.

\- Now, that’s cheating, you can’t play like that, - he points out. - Besides, there was a prophecy. Seems like something you get off on, nah, Master of Fate? No man can kill Nazgûls’ leader!

As Melkor is criticizing Mandos, Ulmo leans over Aulë’s shoulder and moves one of the figures. Just one.

\- Wait… what are you- - Melkor notices his action too slowly, - nooo! – he wails as the waters of Bruinen churn and wash down all the Ringwraiths.

Mandos takes them off board. He is dutifully collecting fallen figures and pawns from both sides, hoarding them. He’s got a nice pile already that is still growing as the game goes on.

\- No, hey, you can’t knock them off so easily, - howls Melkor, assessing his rapidly melting chances. – They’re no mere pawns.

Nienna takes pity on him.

\- Let him have them back, brother.

\- No way.

\- Námo…

\- Argh, fine. But they have to wait a few rounds before coming back.

***

The fellowship tries to cross Caradhras but the snow is too deep and it won’t stop falling from the sky.

\- Ugh, Manwë, can’t you melt it down? Or wind it away or something? Or just send there your Eagles to make them moving a little faster? – says Nessa, always bored when things aren’t proceeding swift enough.

\- I can’t. Besides, if I called the Eagles, the game would end too soon. And I don’t want to spoil the fun, - says Manwë, still deeply moved about his older brother’s comment from earlier.

\- It’s nothing. We’ll go through Moria, - beams Aulë.

***

The great squid surfaces from the dark waters near the Moria’s gates and attacks Frodo and his companions.

\- A kraken?! – exclaims Ulmo. – What’s it doing in my lake?!

\- You thought you were the only one that can use water to his advantage, didn’t you? – grins Melkor. – You know what? You were wrong!

\- Kraken shouldn’t even live in sweet waters, - notices Yavanna, exasperated. – You know nothing about animals, you brutes.

***

\- A balrog?! – cries Aulë. - But they all became extinct in the First Age!

\- Oops, - says Melkor, not sounding sorry at all. – Looks like this one survived. Why are you making such long faces, all of you? It’s not as dirty trick as you played with that blondie on me. My balrog has’t even died before.

The balrog tips the scales in favor of Melkor as he chases the fellowship across Moria’s halls. But then, Gandalf turns around, fights him and wins.

\- Damn, no! – screams Melkor, hitting the table with his fist. – No! Mandos, don’t you dare. Keep your hands off my balrog. If you gonna take ‘im, you must take Olórin too. That’s the only fair way. You cannot defeat balrog so easily.

Mandos doesn’t look happy but fulfills his wish. Far below, in the Mines of Khazad-dûm, balrog switches his whip one last time, the rope curls around wizard’s ankle, and he drags Gandalf with himself into the abyss.

***

\- C’mon, Varda, come here! – beckons Manwë. – Play with us.

And soon several voices join his request.

Varda doesn’t look too appeased, thinking their petty games beneath her authority but eventually she yields to their pleas. (There is nothing else to do in the Blessed Realm anyway, all the troublemakers still locked in Mandos’ Halls and every other soul engaged in the chess game.)

Varda makes her move.

In Middle Earth Galadriel leans toward a hobbit.

\- And you, Frodo Baggins, I will give the light of Eärendil, our beloved star. May it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out…

Before she even finishes her line, Aulë groans.

\-  Seriously, Varda? – he starts. – Will you never let go of Fëanor’s Silmarils?  

\- What is your problem? This is a star after all and I, as a Kindler, can do with stars what I want.

\- Yeah, but you have to choose this particular one. The only one from Silmarils that still exists…

Their argue goes on and Aulë, protecting fiercely his favorite pupil, doesn’t notice as Melkor does some fishy things with one of his Maiar.

\- What the fuck? – says Manwë as Melkor reaches to move Curunir toward Rohan field. – That’s not your figure, hands off, Melko.

\- Aye, he wasn’t my figure. But he switched sides.

\- What? You cannot make them switch sides!

Aulë, wrung from his argument about Fëanor by raised voices only now notices he’s lost a Maia.

\- Not again, Melkor! You cannot steal all my Maiar!

\- Maybe you should guard them more closely, - retorts Melkor.

\- No, stop it! It’s all wrong! – interrupts Manwë. – Curunir’s on our side.

\- Not anymore.

\- That’s cheating! That’s against the rules!

\- Oh, go on, cry about it to the daddy. But as much as you would have liked it, you aren’t the one making rules here. He is. Even in this game. And it’s not cheating, it’s called free will, bitches. Saruman is with me and Mairon now. Look, he even dresses properly, - with those words Melkor puts off the white robe of the wizard and replaces it with a rainbow one. – Fuck yeah, Angbang team.

\- That’s so gay, - mutters Ulmo.

 


	2. Round II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melkor plays with the two towers yet Yavanna still wins the round with her trees.

\- I still opt for the Eagles, – says Nessa. – The road is taking them forever.

\- No, I told you, - says Manwë. – The fun would end too soon. Ulmo can carry them.

And so the Great River Anduin carries three boats from Lothlórien to Gondor.

***

\- Can I finally have the Nazgûls back? – asks Melkor impatiently.

\- Not yet, - answers Mandos.

\- Fine, - grits Melkor, clearly displeased and resorts to play with his two towers.

***

\- Let's move! - shouts Aragorn as he and Legolas and Gimli are pursuing the orcs. - Their pace has quickened. They must have caught our scent.

\- Heh, your ranger doesn't shower too often, does he? - sneers Melkor as he moves his troops two fields at a time.

\- Orcs shouldn’t be moving that quickly, - remarks Ulmo.

\- These are no mere orcs, - explains Melkor. – These are Uruk-hai. An upgraded model. Can walk in a daylight and all.

***

\- What are you doing? You’re wasting our move, - grumps Aulë as his wife moves a figure to protect two pawns.

At that time, in Middle-Earth, near Rohan fields, Fangorn rescues Merry and Pippin from an orc’s chase.

\- Have faith in me, husband. I know what I’m doing. This is merely a warm-up.

\- Who’s controlling the hobbits by the way? – asks Melkor.

\- Does it matter? – says Aulë. – They’re mere pawns.

Yavanna whispers something to Mandos and he places Gandalf’s figure, this time clad in white, again on the board. The wizard is hidden among Yavanna’s trees from others’ watchful eyes.

***

\- Ugh, are these dead bodies in the water? - asks Vána, studying the unattended part of the board where Sam and Frodo with Gollum are making their way through the Dead Marshes.

\- Yeah, so what? - frowns Melkor protectively. - I think it's a cool exterior design.

\- Ew, only Mairon could think up something so disgusting and think it pretty.

***

\- The fuck? Are these wolves? – asks Manwë as the beasts attack Rohirrims.

\- Wargs, - correct Yavanna and Melkor simultaneously then glance daggers at each other.

Confused Manwë interrupts their staring contest.

\- But… that’s cheating. That wasn’t in the canon.

\- Fuck canon, - answers Melkor. – There were too few animals for Mairon’s liking.

***

Yavanna’s ents are ruining Orthanc, after Melkor has send the army from there to attack the Rohirrims in the Helm’s Deep.

\- Fuck, trees crashing rocks, that was low, Yavanna, - comments Melkor. - Hey, is that Olórin out there? – he calls at the flash of white among falling rocks. - I took him off already, c’mon people, play fair! First Glorfindel, now him…

\- Shut up, Melkor. You stole Curunir. We need our most important Maia up there. That's the only fair – the revenge for Saruman. If you’d chosen anyone else, we wouldn't do that.

***

Melkor produces a new army of orcs, moves them north. The Lonely Mountain and other northern realms are no longer safe from the shadow of the war.

\- What the fuck, Melkor? – exclaims Manwë. – From where did you get them? You have a mass production of them or what?

\- It’s called a demographical increase, - says Melkor, wounded at the lack of appreciation for his own race again. Somehow nobody calls Aulë’s folk names despite them being ugly and yet they all insult _his_ people. – Besides, you shouldn’t be complaining about the odds. I’m the one outnumbered here.

\- Easy, I got it, - says Aulë, rolling up sleeves and reaching for his dwarves from the Iron Hills. – You’re not the only one here who has his own folk made.

At the North, far from Gondor and Rohan, a great battle is fought. The good side wins at last but at the prize of Dain’s life.

***

\- Check, - says Melkor as he has the whole army of Rohan cornered in a Helm’s Deep.

One of the Uruk-hai’s below blows a gap in the fortress’ walls with an explosive. Melkor laughs darkly.

\- See? Your Olórin isn't the only one that can use fireworks.

\- What the fuck? – Valar’s indignant voices raise from everywhere around the board. – Fire cannot crash the rocks!

\- Oh, really? – shots back Melkor. – None of you had any objections with Yavanna’s flora.

But then Yavanna reaches to the board and knocks down his figure with hers again. The Dark Lord frowns.

\- Hey, you can’t spoil all my maneuvers with Ents…

\- These are Huorns, - says Yavanna easily. – Ents are still occupying Orthanc.

\- Is that a forest? – asks one of the Rohirrims below, eyeing the wood before the fortress unbelievingly. – Did it grow in one night?

\- It must be witchcraft, - supplies another soldier.

\- Is this your doing, Gandalf? – asks King Théoden suspiciously.

\- I assure you, my friend, I have nothing to do with it. A power more ancient and powerful than me must be at work here.

Far above them Yavanna leans back in her chair, pleased with herself.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly edited now, you might want to read it again for a few additional jokes ;)


	3. Round III

\- Can I move my Ringwraiths? – repeats Melkor.

\- Fine, - growls out Námo.

\- Finally, - Melkor grins and crashes Osgiliath.

***

\- We’re gonna lose, - Nienna can’t hold back her tears anymore as Minas Tirith is surrounded by the great army of orcs.

\- Yes, you are, - says Melkor cheerfully, rubbing his charred hands.

***

\- Hey, how did Mairon call this ram? – asks Vána, as they all watch the battering of Minas Tirith with varying levels of anxiety on their faces.

\- Grond, - provides Melkor helpfully, the only one happy among the players now.

\- Isn’t that how you called your- - starts Manwë.

\- Gross! – Varda’s voice drowns out others’ discussion and the table is quiet for a moment. She pushes her chair back and stands up, - I’m outta here. You’re is disgusting.

As she leaves the room, the place seems gloomier. Down below, one of two travelers heading to Mordor says:

\- Is this day or night? What do you think, mister Frodo?

\- I don’t know, Sam. It’s always dark here. Not even the light of stars can penetrate these clouds anymore.

***

\- You know, Fëanor is quite helpful even when he's dead, - muses Melkor, putting down Denethor’s burning figure. - His workings cause so much disturbance among folk. A pity he's not as easy to seduce as the rest of your students.

Aulë grinds his teeth at the remark but stays quiet, silently taking down Melkor’s pawns with his red haired small figure.

\- Seventeen! – exclaims Gimli, swinging his axe at orcs around him.

***

Oromë moves a horse figure closer to the beset city.

In Middle-Earth, at Pelennor Fields Rohirrim’s army arrives. Soon the war horns play and the horse masters charge into battle with ‘death’ scream on their mouths.

\- That was a little savage, - comments Manwë. – Perhaps a different war cry would suit better?

\- I like that one, - counters Námo.

***

At Pelennor Fields Éowyn kills a Nazgûl.

\- Fuck, I don't play like that, she has to die now too. Like with balrog/Gandalf duel, - declares Melkor.

\- Nope, she doesn't. Not if there is a pawn right behind her. Look, – Manwë points at Merry, as he explains the rules.

***

Varda cames back for a moment when she hears her name.

\- Elbereth Gilthoniel! – cries Sam, holding up Galadriel’s vial, - help me.

Shelob runs away into her cave from the too bright light hurting her eyes.

\- You now, baby, - Melkor winks at Varda, - maybe that wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Melkor watches then, pleased, as the hurt comes upon Ungoliant’s child from a hand of a mere hobbit.

***

Námo throws some very damaged pieces on the board. The army of the Undead flows Pelennor Fields.

\- Hey, hey, aren’t those dead? – frowns Melkor.

\- Timely resurrected.

\- That’s a serious overdone by now, pal, you’ve gotta end it.

***

Cormallen Field, Aragon leads the army.

\- Now, that's cheating. You cannot change a pawn into a figure just like that, - says Melkor.

\- Shut up, he was meant to be a king from the beginning of the game.

\- King, my ass. You produced him this crown only after I got all rulers of Gondor killed.

\- Faramir’s not dead.

\- But lying unconscious in healers house, same difference. Out of game for a few moves. Game will end before he's fit to fight again.


	4. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melkor almost wins but Ilúvatar himself interferes.

Melkor watches the board pleased with himself and observes the worry on the faces of his brothers and sisters merrily.

\- Ha, you though you would win, didn't you? But none of your petty figures can beat my Mairon. Look at him, look as he moves in a battle. He'll crash them all by himself like he did three thousands years ago. Watch it, he's going to tramp your little king just like I did with Fingolfin.

And such scenario is indeed very close to happening but then Ilúvatar himself walks into the room and before anyone can protest, pushes one of the pawns with the tip of his finger.

Gollum slides upon the tiny rock and fells down into the lava below, carrying the ring to its destruction.

\- What - Melkor is the first one to get back his voice, - that's unfair!

As he wallows at his dad, his little brother sends the Eagles quickly to get back the two remaining pawns before Melkor would notice them and crash with the fires of Orodruin.

\- Calm yourself, my son. I'm above my rules. Besides, this way everyone wins. You must go back to the void now but do not despair, I have a feeling your favorite Maiar would join you soon. Tidy this up, my children. We have to prepare to meet our unsubmissive spirit of fire.


End file.
